Life in Transition and God’s Will.

I am a doer. So when I look to determine God’s will in my life I look to what I can do to figure it out. It seemed so much easier in the old days. God would basically just announce it through a prophet like Nathan. I am entangled in sorting through the desires God has placed in my heart and the ones that are mine alone. David wanted to give the Lord a nice house like he had. I want to do ministry in Omaha. Sometimes we can be wrong. Sometimes we can be right. This is mostly because I believe in doing ministry where I am at and I love it here. I have seen God at work here and I want to be part of it. I rented a house with some friends after college determined to find something in the City I love. I am  just blocks from where I got my double Bible degree. That may help motivate me every day.

In all of this I have failed to ask what God wanted. He may have wanted me to move back in with my parents and apply anywhere. Still, I cannot bear to apply for the out of town work that God might be calling me to do. He could also be calling me to keep working 40+ hours at Spaghetti Works until He is faithful to me staying in Omaha. Either way I am serving my calling eventually. So what I have are two paths before me. Was being in Omaha a desire God placed in my heart or a desire that comes from the comfort of knowing the people and places. The old 80’s song often plays in my head “Should I stay or should I go now” though the contexts of the single line running in my head is VERY taken out of context. I don’t want to work where I am for long. But I am afraid to look outside of Omaha. God is good, I trust that His ways. He will give me my answer eventually and He will not forsake bringing me to Grace.

The hardest part of not knowing where you are going is living in peace with that. I am not in ministry YET. Still, God is using me every day. I need to take pleasure in where I am. Rest and be thankful for the job and all I do have. Yes, I can’t be content with where I am. No, I can’t be unsatisfied. God is always enough no matter what. So I will press on and keep trying to figure it out. But I will fight to revel in each day and all of its new mercies.

Everything I had known.

I just graduated with two degrees. I got a scholastic award and have found the man I likely will marry and rented a house with some of the best people in the world from a man running an awesome ministry in the city I love most on the planet. My life is everything I wanted except the dream ministry job to go with the shiny new degree. Yet somehow I do not feel fulfilled. I feel, alone. I just moved in with my best friends and I feel alone. Not for any good reasons, but that is the truth. I am alone. Not really… but yes really. Because that is how I feel. Even if it contradicts reality. I can sleep all day and no one would care. I have no job and very minimal expectations. Besides the constant applications I am finding for myself to fill out there is nothing for me each new day. I get up at six start to clean and organize and then give up and crawl back into my cool covers in spite. Why bother? I then get up for a late lunch and find some comfort in tackling weeds and putting away dishes. I can do anything I want and there is nothing I want to do. Each day I fit a bit more here but for the moment I am in limbo. Still holding onto everything I have known and struggling to embrace something new and strange. I have to say goodbye to who I was and admit that I will adapt into something that fits where I am now, without ever really losing who I was. There are things that are familiar that I can do. For instance I have been getting into old tv shows. I am particularly fascinated with DeathNote, the anime I loved in high school and all the ethics in it. I have been revisiting it with my boyfriend who is enjoying the plot and I enjoy him enjoying it. I am daydreaming about spending all my money on those tattoos I want or acrylic paint and just getting lost in passions of mine that I leave to the side. There is also the razor. That is the loudest at night. The constant knight that rushes to my side when I feel locked away in a tall tower. Never has he not been able to come when I have wanted him. I don’t always welcome the help. I think of all the young girls that I have spoken about cutting with and think of any of the people I love doing the same. It sickens me. It is unacceptable for them. Yet somehow it is only wrong for them. I can’t remember for the life of me the harm. The greek alphabet I carved into my thigh has almost faded into nothing. I sort of miss it. My thoughts turn against me making God feel silent and powerless against my decisions. Part of me wants to curse Him but I curse the part of me that wants to curse Him instead. How dare I. I remember the Psalms. My friends and I discussed them today. They always start miserable. Surely this time it is the end of David. God is far and the wicked will triumph. How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? Then David makes a list of all the LORD GOD OF HEAVEN ALMIGHTY is not doing according to him. David focuses on his life and all it’s woes. Somehow doing that always leads David to remember what God has done. I have trusted in your steadfast love and my heart shall rejoice in my salvation. The love I have for my God is more than emotional, it is powerful. It is rooted in a self-discipline that is fueled by Christ within me. I don’t wish on stars. I take directions from the guy who made them.  I have a place and I trust His plans. So I will revisit things that could be part of His future plans like old books, recipes and gardening. I will create new styles, do jigsaw puzzles, go for a jog and rest on the porch swing while I think of new places to apply and how I will get by until my saving run out. HE HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME. I rest in good hands. So I will use my hands only for good. I will not do what is not going to be part of His plan. And if I do… I hate myself. But His mercies are new in the morning and I am very confident my new self to not do such a thing. Even if I worry and doubt. I will still hear “Well done” because His forgiveness is never beyond me. Just going straight to bed tonight might get me a celestial high five. Who knows? I love you Jesus. Sorry I struggle. Please use my struggles for others. Thank you for David and Psalm 13. Thank you for all the blessings I have that get overlooked and thank you for you. I could never hate the new life you granted me. Wish me luck as I return to this transition period. As I grow into who I am becoming a bit more and further from the things I still seem to want to cling to. Good night. I have one good fridge raid before bed. Tomorrow is a new day.